Today is my ex-wifes Birthday. Its a rather bittersweet day for me, because I still actually care for her. The first time we were together for her birthday, I made an effort to go to her at exactly 12:01 and give her a hug and a kiss and wish her happy birthday and give her a present. To her, it was very special and she said no-one had ever made that big a deal for her birthday before. So, I did it every year. I still have the urge to do it these days, even though we arent together. Until this year, I used to text her at 12:01 and wish her happy birthday.
Our break up was very messy. Again, without the hows and the whys, we both made plays that should never have been played, and we both hurt each other a lot. Luckily for her though, she had someone else to go to, so her pain wasnt as prolonged (if it even existed). She made it clear from the begininning of the end that she was happier and better off. For the longest time, I was mad at her. I was mad at her new guy. I was mad at everyone because I loved her, and she left me/got taken away from me/never wanted me and 100 other excuses I came up with.
And I would wrap that pain and anger around myself like a cloak and I would wear that cloak every day. I dont know if you have ever actually hated someone. Like, really done a proper job of hating someone. Its EXHAUSTING. I sent so much anger and hatred toward her new man, it made me feel sick. But it was easier to hate him than to admit that I played a part in losing my family. Sure, I could see where I went wrong, I could admit fault (in fact, I often told my friends it was my fault 100%. I no longer believe that), but ultimately it was he who stole her away from me. And that was easier to tell myself than to admit I lost everything I cared for. And so the hate continued, even though I knew it was destroying me.
I didnt function, for about 18 months after my wife left me. I couldnt leave the house. I couldnt even pretend to look for work. I could do nothing, but hide in my room at my Dad's house. I didnt even come out to eat. I only had time for escapism, and when I was too tired to play or read, or if I had to use the bathroom , or if I was trying to get to sleep, I would fantasise about ways to remove him from the picture. I am very much not a violent person, but hate consumed me. I started seeing a Therapist, and although there was nothing in particular about that one that I disliked, I will say I hated her. She forced me to open up wounds I was trying to avoid. She was the one who made me realise that I was hating a guy I had never met. I was on a path to destruction, and I had no way off of it because it is so EASY to put so much loathing and toxin into a figment.
So I made the effort to get to meet him. I drove up to see my children for my sons birthday. It was an 18 hour drive. When I got there, I stayed in the house. One of the most awkward nights of my life (although I got to cuddle my kidlings, and that was pretty awesome). The next day, I helped him chop firewood. I helped him gather rocks to build a big bonfire fireplace. I got to know him as a man much like any other. I dispelled the figment, and I could no longer put that much hatred and toxicity into a real live person. For the first time since she left me, I put the anger into my wife. And that lasted for a few weeks, and then... I was done. I healed, I moved on. It was still painful, and moving on meant moving half a continent away, but I did it.
To this day, I dont get angry at people any more. I get frustrated, sure, but I explain my frustration to them, and I let it go. A lot of people have commented on my patience, or my ability (or inability as the case may be) to get angry at people who deserve it, but I just feel that there are better things to do in life than carry around that toxic emotion. There is an old saying... "Hating someone is like drinking poison and waiting for them to die". Its just not gonna happen, and you will kill yourself in the process. Better to let it go and move on. Simplified, I dont think its as simple as forgive and forget. I still feel surges of jealousy, anger and bitterness toward my ex-wife. When I do, I troll her hard on Facebook. This is often followed by guilt, but I think she understands (if not outright enjoys it at times). I think the lesson is simply "Dont waste energy on negative emotions. Find a way to channel it and vent it through a positive way". I think I am getting better at this, but it is certainly a skill I need to continue to work on.
Happy Birthday Jo. I really do wish you lasting happiness... before you die in a fire.
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