Wednesday Weigh-in (for reals this time!)

So here I am with an updated weigh in, as if though I never stopped updating this blog!  So I decided 2013 was to be the year of Me.  I was gonna get my shit in order, and I was going to be productive and happy.  I started the year at 110kgs, and I am currently at 106.7.  I made the resolution of cutting out soft drink, and have since joined the 12 week body transformation program.

I use it as a guideline of what to eat (no way in hell im gonna enjoy the food she wants me to eat), but basically I am living off small portions of steak, chicken, salads, fruit, wholegrain bread/wraps/mountain bread and other non-processed/non-sugary foods.  I drink 3 - 4 litres of water a day now instead of soft drink (although its getting to a point where water is just too hard to swallow, so I have the very rare mouthful of soft drink at work (maybe one a week)).

The body transformation program offers a GREAT gym plan.  I work out 6 days a week for about an hour and a half.  Im 9 days in and I can already feel myself being stronger and more energised.  Previously, I have gone to the gym and just had no idea what I was meant to be doing with myself.  Having a set plan that I can tick off as I do it is great for me, as I really do thrive in a situation with proper structure.

I have really lost a lot of weight.  After 2 days I had gone down 1kg, and after another 7 days I have gone up 0.2kgs.  Its very, very disheartening.  But the program insists its all about mindset, and I vowed at the beginning of the program "I am making a commitment to myself to focus on transforming my body and my habits into a better, healthier lifestyle. I acknowledge that I will make mistakes, but I will not let those mistakes derail me with guilt and anger. Every stumble need not be a setback, and I will do my utmost best to be the best I can be by the end of the 12 week program."

So, while I dont feel I have made any mistakes (indeed, I was feeling pretty indestructable before today), I have to acknowledge this stumble is not a setback, and turn it into motivation.  I didnt do my work out today.  I got on the row machine for my 5 minute warm-up (which is ALWAYS hell, and without fail about 2 minutes into it I always feel "there is no way I am finishing this work-out today", only to finish it and smash all my previous records.  Love that feeling) and stopped after 43 seconds.  I just felt like shit, my sails were without wind.  But this is the trap I always fall into, and I recognise it.  I will go to the gym tonight after work and I will kick its ass.  And next Wednesday (how awesome is it that this program also has a Wednesday Weigh-in?) I will show that scale who is boss!

Current Weight: 106.7
Goal weight for end of Feb: 100kg  (not looking likely at this point).

Life Lesson 2: Bitterness

Today is my ex-wifes Birthday.  Its a rather bittersweet day for me, because I still actually care for her.  The first time we were together for her birthday, I made an effort to go to her at exactly 12:01 and give her a hug and a kiss and wish her happy birthday and give her a present.  To her, it was very special and she said no-one had ever made that big a deal for her birthday before.  So, I did it every year.  I still have the urge to do it these days, even though we arent together.  Until this year, I used to text her at 12:01 and wish her happy birthday.

Our break up was very messy.  Again, without the hows and the whys, we both made plays that should never have been played, and we both hurt each other a lot.  Luckily for her though, she had someone else to go to, so her pain wasnt as prolonged (if it even existed).  She made it clear from the begininning of the end that she was happier and better off.  For the longest time, I was mad at her.  I was mad at her new guy.  I was mad at everyone because I loved her, and she left me/got taken away from me/never wanted me and 100 other excuses I came up with.

And I would wrap that pain and anger around myself like a cloak and I would wear that cloak every day.  I dont know if you have ever actually hated someone.  Like, really done a proper job of hating someone.  Its EXHAUSTING.  I sent so much anger and hatred toward her new man, it made me feel sick.  But it was easier to hate him than to admit that I played a part in losing my family.  Sure, I could see where I went wrong, I could admit fault (in fact, I often told my friends it was my fault 100%.  I no longer believe that), but ultimately it was he who stole her away from me.  And that was easier to tell myself than to admit I lost everything I cared for.  And so the hate continued, even though I knew it was destroying me.

I didnt function, for about 18 months after my wife left me.  I couldnt leave the house.  I couldnt even pretend to look for work.  I could do nothing, but hide in my room at my Dad's house.  I didnt even come out to eat.  I only had time for escapism, and when I was too tired to play or read, or if I had to use the bathroom , or if I was trying to get to sleep, I would fantasise about ways to remove him from the picture.  I am very much not a violent person, but hate consumed me.  I started seeing a Therapist, and although there was nothing in particular about that one that I disliked, I will say I hated her.  She forced me to open up wounds I was trying to avoid.  She was the one who made me realise that I was hating a guy I had never met.  I was on a path to destruction, and I had no way off of it because it is so EASY to put so much loathing and toxin into a figment.

So I made the effort to get to meet him.  I drove up to see my children for my sons birthday.  It was an 18 hour drive.  When I got there, I stayed in the house.  One of the most awkward nights of my life (although I got to cuddle my kidlings, and that was pretty awesome).  The next day, I helped him chop firewood.  I helped him gather rocks to build a big bonfire fireplace.  I got to know him as a man much like any other.  I dispelled the figment, and I could no longer put that much hatred and toxicity into a real live person.  For the first time since she left me, I put the anger into my wife.  And that lasted for a few weeks, and then... I was done.  I healed, I moved on.  It was still painful, and moving on meant moving half a continent away, but I did it.

To this day, I dont get angry at people any more.  I get frustrated, sure, but I explain my frustration to them, and I let it go.  A lot of people have commented on my patience, or my ability (or inability as the case may be) to get angry at people who deserve it, but I just feel that there are better things to do in life than carry around that toxic emotion.  There is an old saying...  "Hating someone is like drinking poison and waiting for them to die".  Its just not gonna happen, and you will kill yourself in the process.  Better to let it go and move on.  Simplified, I dont think its as simple as forgive and forget.  I still feel surges of jealousy, anger and bitterness toward my ex-wife.  When I do, I troll her hard on Facebook.  This is often followed by guilt, but I think she understands (if not outright enjoys it at times).  I think the lesson is simply "Dont waste energy on negative emotions.  Find a way to channel it and vent it through a positive way".  I think I am getting better at this, but it is certainly a skill I need to continue to work on.

Happy Birthday Jo.  I really do wish you lasting happiness... before you die in a fire.

The one where I complain about Centrelink

So, the other day someone I know updates their status with "Ugh.  The only good thing about the new Centrelink/medicare merge is I can judge the centrelink people while im in line".  Now, this person is a very friendly woman who I met at a local hobby store (her husband owns it), so I was a little put off by this statement.  Never mind that I know for a fact that half the customer base relies on centrelink to feed their addiction that feeds her family (I am one of them).  But I have learned in life that you don't always need to call people up on the disgusting things they say (and also, not everyone should be held to my standards).

So then on Friday, I am due to go into Centrelink for my quarter-yearly meeting, just so they can make sure I am not ripping them off or whatever.  Now, I am the first to admit that Centrelink...they are pretty useless.  If they have 10000 employees around Australia, I would hazard a guess that they have 10000 different ways of doing the same task.  They can be very frustrating to deal with, but they pay my rent.  They buy my food.  They keep me afloat when I would otherwise sink.  In return, I take 5 minutes a fortnight to fill out an online form, and once every three months I have to go and line up and see them, which takes about an hour.  So all up, it takes about 8 hours of my life for the year, in which I get roughly $18000.  Thats roughly $2200 an hour, for just breathing.  I don't have to "work" to earn this money.  They just give it to me.

Now, there are many out there who are happy with this.  They choose not to work, and they get more money than I do. I am not one of these people.  I would like to better my lot in life, and free myself from Centrelink support.  I was able to do this while working at Hog's Breath, but at the moment I have been forced to rely on Centrelink again to make it from week to week.  That's me.  I cant hold everyone else to my standards.  If there are people out there who want to throw their lives away and live off  hand-outs forever, I honestly don't mind.  I will get a job and my taxes will support them to be lazy.  That seriously doesn't bother me like I hear other people complaining about it.  What bothers me is when I am in line, and I have a professional bludger behind me yammering on about how terrible centrelink is.

OK yes, it sucks that we have to get in a huge line just so we can be seen and actually put into a queue.  It sucked that I had a 2:20 appointment, but I had to line up to announce myself for that appointment and I didn't get seen until 3:20 (Really?  Why book a time if I am not going to get called upon at that time?).  Yes... waiting sucks.  But remember....  $2200 an hour.  Keep it in perspective!

This woman was spouting the most venomous and inane bull crap.  "How hard is it to hire 10 more people so we can all be seen faster"?  Well, considering the average wage is about 48000 a year, it would cost Centrelink $480000 a year, per branch, to hire 10 more people just so we wouldn't have to wait in line for 20 minutes.  Im guessing pretty hard.

"We should all go on strike and wait outside with signs to show them we wont take this anymore".  Yes, let's form a picket line to object against having to wait in line for 20 minutes for our $2200+ an hour.  That'll teach em!  Its a fucking HAND OUT!  This girl isn't an isolated event.  I hear people bitching about Centrelink all the time (I too am guilty of this, but I like to think I only bitch when the ineptitude levels are extreme), but do they not see that they aren't actually entitled to anything?

"This is so fucked up.  I've been in line for about an hour!" This was said when her friend or someone she knew joined the line behind her.  She was behind me.  I had been in line for exactly 8 minutes.  I ended up  being in line for 20 minutes, before I was directed to sit down and wait to be called on.  For a few brief moments, I got to settle down because I didn't have to listen to her bitch and moan any more.  Of course, when she sat down, she chose the seat right behind me.

"Did you hear the way that asshole spoke down to me.  They should just do "it" (I don't know what it is referring to) instead of make me talk to fuckers like that who just make me angrier".  The guy who was processing the very long line was very professional.  I would absolutely HATE to have his job, because I watched him deal with some troublesome people ahead of me, and I can only imagine what dealing with this woman would have been like.  I very much doubt he "spoke down" to her, and I have to assume that whatever "it" is is a highly selfish response intending for her to skip ahead of all the people who have been waiting for "hours" so she can be seen to immediately.

"Im only going to get angrier, and then they wont help me.  This is fucking stupid making me wait.  What do they expect?"  They expect you to not be a whiny little bitch who feels they are entitled to $18000 - $25000 a year WHILE centrelink is paying $480000 a year to staff who can cater to your every whim so you dont have to wait in line to get your free money.

"I signed up for a course, and my housemate got $200 and I didnt.  How fucking stupid is that?  I quit because they wouldn't give me the $200".  This is the last thing she said before I FINALLY snapped and turned around and said something to her.

"The point of signing up for a course is to get more knowledge, so you can get experience and find a job and not have to rely on centrelink your whole life.  The fact that you quit after centrelink refused to pay you $200 suggests that you werent really interested in the course in the first place, and likely wouldnt have seen it through to the end anyway."

Boy, did I learn a few new words after that.  But it was completely worth it, because the security guard (my local centrelink has a full time security guard -_-) heard her, came to investigate, and eventually after learning a few new words himself, removed her from the premises.  Best.  Payback.  Ever.

My point is...  Im not happy with where I am at financially.  But I wont bite the hand that feeds me, irrespective of how retarded that hand may be.  If minor stresses are the cost of my $2200 an hour, then by all means, stress me.  But its people like this woman who give people like my facebook friend the feeling that they can "judge" the other 90% who are on centrelink payments because they are going through a rough time,  not because they choose to make a living off of it!

Friday Fiction: Ascention

I have two novels I want to write.  One is a Fantasy version of Highlander, basically, and the other is a Sci-fi version of... well... Matrix.  Thats my concepts dumbed down to their simpliest expressions.  Obviously, there is more to them otherwise I wouldnt be as excited as I am.

At the moment I am putting all my thought and energy into the "Matrix" one, although the "Highlander" one has been my pet project for the longest time.  For NaNoWriMo, I intend on being prepared for the "Matrix", but I don't really want to abandon "Highlander".  So I have decided most fridays, I will be working on "Highlander", and posting a little bit more every week.

Occasionally, I will change it up.  I dont want to be forced into writing the same thing every week, as the reason for this blog and all the different topics is because I dont want to become bored and give up, which I do often with projects.  I need to keep it varied.  So, without further ado, I present "Ascention".  (Apologies to anyone who has seen this stuff before.  New content will be available soon)
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The man stood still.  It was a warm night, and the man allowed the cool breeze to pass over his naked body.  The crickets were chirping, and although he didn’t know it yet, it was the man’s favorite sound.  He stood, feeling the weight of the object in his hand.  He knew it was important, but for now he didn’t think about it.  He had more important questions racing through his mind.  He stood, allowing the question to repeat itself over and over.  “Who am I?”

He walked a short distance through the trees, and he came to a small puddle.  He knelt down, placing his object beside him.  He stared at the reflection, studying it carefully.  Long curly black hair, dark eyes, strong jaw line and a week’s growth.  He was a ruggedly handsome man, although not the type to admit that to himself.  But the man was disturbed by the reflection.  He picked up his possession and hurried away from the puddle.  The reflection had been that of a stranger.  The man still had no idea who he was.

******

The young girl walked naked along the beach.  Small sobs racked her tiny frame, afraid because she had no idea how she came to be on the beach alone.  She clutched protectively to the only thing she had, a large scabbard that was almost the size of the girl.  Off into the distance, she saw a large gathering of people.  Maybe that’s where she came from?  She wiped her tears from her puffy blue eyes, eyes that held so much innocence.  She ran her fingers through her long straight blonde hair, feeling she should make herself look presentable.  Then she lugged the large scabbard towards the people.

By the time she had arrived, the people had spotted her and started to walk towards her.  They met her halfway, a large man with a necklace made off seaweed and shells confronting her.  They stared at each other for a long while, neither speaking, neither looking away.  The man had a fierce gaze, and it was not one that many could look upon without turning away.  Finally, the girl sobbed, and without looking away, she pleaded, “Help me!”  All who heard the girls’ plea felt her sorrow and pain in their hearts.  The big man’s gaze turned from one of ferocity to sadness.  He nodded, and reached down to grab the strange long object the girl carried.  Suddenly filled with panic, the girl instinctively clutched the scabbard to her breast.  The crowed gasped, and the man was filled with a violent anger.  Who was this girl, to so defy the chief of the Clam Tribe?  But he looked into her eyes once more, and a smile stole his mean visage.  He hoisted her up onto his shoulder, mindful to not hit himself in the head with her package, and proclaimed, “Let all know, that Nasken, Leader of the Clam Tribe has his first daughter.”  The people of the Clam cheered, and the girl, caught up in the moment, giggled with glee.

******

She walked through the woods, naked and uncaring.  A cool breeze caressed her body like the touch of a playful lover.  She reveled in the feeling.  She continued to walk, not a care in the world.  She came to a clump of WaBa trees, a tree with a tough, bendable and reflective bark.  A woman with long red hair, piercing blue eyes, a delicate nose and a well shaped chin stared back at her.  She looked down at the rest of her body, and let her lips curl into a smile.  “You are beautiful…”  She paused as she tried to remember her name.  Unable to grab it, even though it was dancing on the edges of her mind, she instinctively let her anger control her, and she pulled the sword from the scabbard she carried.  A blast of hot energy washed over her as she slashed the tree, it’s tough bark offering no resistance to the finely crafted blade.

She went to strike the tree again, but drawing her sword had released to her some of her memories.  Her name was Sassen, and she was a very, very powerful woman.

******

Where do Gods come from?  Are they born into their omnipotence, or are they forced to shape their own destiny, forge their own niche into our world? Across the small island of Finstaad, many other strange people appeared, naked of all but a sword and scabbard.  Each had their own personality, each very different to the other, and yet so very alike.  Each knew instinctively that there was something special about them, although not all recognized their own power.  Each knew that something big was to happen, and those that made contact with the primitive tribes understood that they had the ability to change the lives of the nomadic people.  Something big was about to happen on the small Island of Finstaad, far to the south of Nor.  And woe to those who were present at the time.

Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 1

Oh boy.  This is sort of embarassing.

You see... I... Well, the thing is...

I havent actually been to the gym yet.  So this means, I cannot give you a current weight.  I cant really talk about much of anything.  I would list the foods I have eaten, but being today was therapy day, I kinda had a "food hug" blowout.  So, in an effort to note hate myself forever by documenting the bad things I have eaten today, Im going to pretend it never happened.

So what the hell am I going to write about today?  Well, I can set a goal for the next week.  I need to get the gym and shake of the lazies.  I know once I start going, I will enjoy it again.  Its just currently it is difficult, because I am car-less.  And its well within walking distance, but anyone who lives in Adelaide would know about the rather crazy weather we are having atm (Its a minor cyclone outside as I type, IMO).

That isn't to say I have been without exercise.  My job as a Pizza Delivery "Expert" has fortunately not been interrupted by my lack of fast transportation, as the company owns two cars and they have allowed me the use of one for the next few weeks until I can pay to get a new radiator.  However, they are located about 2 - 3 kms away (uphill... both ways.  No seriously, there is a bloody steep hill to go up there and back).  So I get a decent walk in every night I work.  I am not being completely lazy (although not through any active effort to be otherwise... >.>).

Ok, so... challenges and goals.  This week (Wednesday 25 - Wednesday 1) will have simple goals.  I want to go to the gym 3 times this week, and I want to ensure I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner every day.  I often skip both breakfast and lunch, simply because I cant be bothered.  Breakfast makes me nausious, lunch usually seems like a hassle that I cant afford.  Of course, to offset this, I snack.  This is bad.  So to start off with a proper pattern and a healthy lifestyle, simply eating 3 main meals a day and going to the gym 3 times a week is my goal.  Baby steps, Luke.  Baby steps.

Low risk challenge, low risk reward.  Success on 5 out of 7 days and 100% gym attendance will entitle me to spend $10 on myself in any non-food related way.  Money is really tight, and I am often wishing I could do something a little more exciting with it for myself, but am always too afraid that I wont be able to afford petrol, or groceries or rent.  However, at the end of the week I usually do have 10 - 20 left over, so I go and buy McDonalds or KFC or something which is really just a waste of money and no good for my goal of getting fitter and healthier.  So I may put it aside and by myself a book with future rewards, or the new Walking Dead video game I have noticed recently (I love zombies) that seems really cheap at $25 but I just cant afford that luxury atm.

Photo of my big belly will be updated later in the week, when I can find my missing webcam.

Life Lesson 1: Appreciation

When I was young, we used to go camping at a place called Pretty Beach Caravan Park.  We started off camping with tents, then moved on to renting cabins/caravans, until eventually my dad bought a lot and a caravan to go with it.  We always went with his girlfriend and her children, or her friends and their children.  Needless to say, it was always quite a busy time.

I could fill 100 posts with stories from that place, but this one really stands out because I was given the greatest advice I have ever received.  My dad and I were in the caravan playing poker.  Well, he was teaching me how to play poker.  I think this memory really stands out because we never really got a lot of time to spend together alone.  Either he was busy working, or with his girlfriend or any number of things.  So, yeah, its easy to see why staying up late being taught how to play a "grown up" game with my dad one on one can stand out in my memory.

I had one hand that had a pair of queens, one of them clubs, and two other clubs and something else.  This was one of the first hands we were playing closed (as in, my dad wasnt looking at my hand this time to help me), and I decided I would put down a queen and the other card and go for the flush (all 5 cards were the same suit).  So I got my two cards and sadly, ended up with nothing that would win me the game.  When my dad revealed a pair of 9's for the win, I got a little annoyed.  Dad looked at the queen I threw away and told me "Never throw away what you have for something you could get".

I could have won with the pair of queens, but instead I tried to get greedy and go for something bigger.  And I missed out because of it.  Such an innocent memory has turned out to be one of the best lessons I have learned in life.  It can be applied to more than just poker.

In 2004, I did the most despicable thing I will ever do in life.  I broke up with (Sorta cheated on... its a hazy line) my girlfriend so I could be with someone else.  The someone else wasn't really a good match for me.  She was hot, and she was a lot of fun, but she didnt have what I would look for in a partner.  I was just really young, really stupid (and really horny).  I dont know why it came to me, but after it all played out and ended up with my first girlfriend and me both being heartbroken, I realised that my dad's advice, given to me more than a decade earlier could be applied in many different situations beyond poker.

Basically, it can be summed up very simply.  Appreciate the things in life you already have.  Its so easy to overlook things, people, situations.  So easy to take it all for granted.  I was once married.  Without going into the how's or why's, that situation ended and I looked back on it for the longest time and realised I had everything I had ever wanted in life, and I lost it because I did not appreciate it enough.  There is probably a hell of a lot more too it than that, but I strongly feel my life could be in a completely different place right now had I realised where I was already at, instead of dreaming about where I could have been.

I feel that I have a firm handle on this lesson.  I make sure those around me know how much I love and appreciate them.  I might come off a little goofy at times, by saying stuff like "Thanks for doing X, I really appreciate it", because no-one talks like that these days.  But I think people notice I go that little extra to acknowledge them, and show that I appreciate the effort they made to make my life easier.  I let my girlfriend know on a daily basis that I love her, appreciate and value her, because I learned the consequences can be bad when you just assume your partner knows it.

Hopefully now, I will never again have to face the loss of a loved one because I took them for granted, or I threw them aside in an effort to get something better.

The one where I rant about being shy

I have a secret.  And honestly, I think a lot of people will be surprised by this secret.  I dont like social interactions.  I dont like meeting new people.  I dont like talking to strangers.  I dont like starting new jobs and getting to know my co-workers.  It creates in me a major stress/panic.  While starting at Hog's Breath, I used to arrive 15-20 minutes before my shift.  And I would sit alone in the staff room.  People would ask why I came in so early, and Id make an excuse... but the fact was, I was trying to prepare myself for the strain of being "on".

Once people get to know me, they see me as very personable, out-going, funny.  I like to think this is becoming more and more true, but the truth is, its all an act.  It has been for many years, because if left to my own devices, id likely just curl into a ball and cry.  Which is why I find it so interesting that despite feeling this anxiety every night before a shift at Hog's Breath, it was the best job I ever had.  I really thrived in that situation.  Once I got my mindset right, once I put on my Hospitality mask, I was pretty damn awesome at my job.

But what really bothered me was how hard it was to get "in" with my workmates.  While very few were outright hostile, I certainly felt like the odd one out.  I didnt know how to talk to others, and so I just stayed quiet.  It took me months before I made any actual friends there, and even then it was because I started a rumour about myself.  Once people heard it, I guess they found me  little more interesting, and they started to take the time to get to know me.  It was only then that I felt the fear that usually paralyses me in social situations start to lift.

At my current job, Im going through the hard slog again.  No matter what common ground I find with my co-workers, I just can't seem to get a connection.  I know its me, I know how awkward I come across in these situations.  I get nervous when people talk to me and I space out and say the stupidest stuff.  I know if I were interacting with me, i'd think I was an idiot too.  But this is how I work, and I dont know how to fix it.

I hate the way this issue detracts from my life.  Even if going out with a bunch of friends, my chest wont stop fluttering until either I am home safe or I have drunk sufficient quantities of alcohol.  I once had a therapist call it social-anxiety, although I am not sure if thats an actual diagnosis or just a description of what I go through.

I would love to really be the me I project.  Ive had a few people reading this blog who dont know me too well tell me that they don't think my life is that bad.  Apparently I seem confident and happy based on my writing style/how I act in person.  But it's not me being confident or happy.  Its me being terrified and nervous.  The louder and more outgoing I am, the more im freaking out on the inside.  This is just me trying to channel that energy into the fight mode of the flight/fight response.

And then there is the flip side of that coin.  When I am home, alone, talking to people on the internet, I am pretty damn amazing and awesome.  I have formed some amazing bonds with so many people in the shortest amount of time, simply because I AM confident.  I can talk about anything and everything for hours, I have spot-on comedic timing.  I really do feel like a different person when I have the safety of a computer monitor between myself and the person I am talking to.  I struggle to imagine how I would have started dating my current girlfriend, had we not had spent months talking to each other online before we started hanging out regularly in person.

So, I know the problem isnt me, persay.  I do have the skills and ability to perform will in day to day communication.  I guess there is just some block that makes me feel inadequate when I am face to face with another person, to the point where I need to wear a mask to be accepted.

That was a very depressing rant...  I'll do better next week.

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Today's Menu

Had a bowl of Nutri-grain this morning for breakfast.
Had an apple for morning tea.
Late lunch was 2 fish pieces
Dinner was a microwaveable spaghetti bolagnaise.

Currently broke atm, so I cant do any shopping.  I will likely be living off frozen dinners for a while, but I will be attempting to balance the diet while I do so.

Didnt do any exercise today on the account of a damn headache I woke up with!  Poor start to the week and the blog, but my goal is to hit it 3 times this week, so its still achievable!