I have a secret. And honestly, I think a lot of people will be surprised by this secret. I dont like social interactions. I dont like meeting new people. I dont like talking to strangers. I dont like starting new jobs and getting to know my co-workers. It creates in me a major stress/panic. While starting at Hog's Breath, I used to arrive 15-20 minutes before my shift. And I would sit alone in the staff room. People would ask why I came in so early, and Id make an excuse... but the fact was, I was trying to prepare myself for the strain of being "on".
Once people get to know me, they see me as very personable, out-going, funny. I like to think this is becoming more and more true, but the truth is, its all an act. It has been for many years, because if left to my own devices, id likely just curl into a ball and cry. Which is why I find it so interesting that despite feeling this anxiety every night before a shift at Hog's Breath, it was the best job I ever had. I really thrived in that situation. Once I got my mindset right, once I put on my Hospitality mask, I was pretty damn awesome at my job.
But what really bothered me was how hard it was to get "in" with my workmates. While very few were outright hostile, I certainly felt like the odd one out. I didnt know how to talk to others, and so I just stayed quiet. It took me months before I made any actual friends there, and even then it was because I started a rumour about myself. Once people heard it, I guess they found me little more interesting, and they started to take the time to get to know me. It was only then that I felt the fear that usually paralyses me in social situations start to lift.
At my current job, Im going through the hard slog again. No matter what common ground I find with my co-workers, I just can't seem to get a connection. I know its me, I know how awkward I come across in these situations. I get nervous when people talk to me and I space out and say the stupidest stuff. I know if I were interacting with me, i'd think I was an idiot too. But this is how I work, and I dont know how to fix it.
I hate the way this issue detracts from my life. Even if going out with a bunch of friends, my chest wont stop fluttering until either I am home safe or I have drunk sufficient quantities of alcohol. I once had a therapist call it social-anxiety, although I am not sure if thats an actual diagnosis or just a description of what I go through.
I would love to really be the me I project. Ive had a few people reading this blog who dont know me too well tell me that they don't think my life is that bad. Apparently I seem confident and happy based on my writing style/how I act in person. But it's not me being confident or happy. Its me being terrified and nervous. The louder and more outgoing I am, the more im freaking out on the inside. This is just me trying to channel that energy into the fight mode of the flight/fight response.
And then there is the flip side of that coin. When I am home, alone, talking to people on the internet, I am pretty damn amazing and awesome. I have formed some amazing bonds with so many people in the shortest amount of time, simply because I AM confident. I can talk about anything and everything for hours, I have spot-on comedic timing. I really do feel like a different person when I have the safety of a computer monitor between myself and the person I am talking to. I struggle to imagine how I would have started dating my current girlfriend, had we not had spent months talking to each other online before we started hanging out regularly in person.
So, I know the problem isnt me, persay. I do have the skills and ability to perform will in day to day communication. I guess there is just some block that makes me feel inadequate when I am face to face with another person, to the point where I need to wear a mask to be accepted.
That was a very depressing rant... I'll do better next week.
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Today's Menu
Had a bowl of Nutri-grain this morning for breakfast.
Had an apple for morning tea.
Late lunch was 2 fish pieces
Dinner was a microwaveable spaghetti bolagnaise.
Currently broke atm, so I cant do any shopping. I will likely be living off frozen dinners for a while, but I will be attempting to balance the diet while I do so.
Didnt do any exercise today on the account of a damn headache I woke up with! Poor start to the week and the blog, but my goal is to hit it 3 times this week, so its still achievable!
Social anxiety disorder is a real thing - however, you pretty much seem like you do your own therapy on this front, because you stay in the situation, do a pretty damn good job of putting on a happy face people enjoy interacting with, and in the end although it takes longer than for the outgoing types, end up enjoying jobs and forming new friendships. As someone who has chosen their line of work on the basis that I won't have to interact too much, despite the fact that it's sometimes boring, or makes me use skills I don't have much of, like data analysis, and started the relationship I've remained in to the stage of marriage by writing letters because I was too scared to approach the person, running away from him if he tried to talk to me in person, I think you're doing a great job of dealing with this.
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